At times I feel so far away from myself. Forgetting the wisdom I’ve learned and getting lost in the confines of my own trapped mind. I feel as if the anxiety I’ve been riddled with could pull me under into the current of the ocean, and breathing seems almost impossible. It’s something I’ve learned to carry beside me, tame, and even try and comfort, in my strongest times. In my weakest, it seems easy, comfortable even, to fall into old patterns and destructive thought patterns. I’ve been visiting this place the past few days, a dark place where I keep all my shame, guilt, and unworthiness. All these wretched feelings showed up on my doorstep and crawled into my mind. I’ve been here before, many times. Feeling suffocated in open air, feeling as if the walls were coming in all around me and ultimately, feeling every bit trapped inside my own thoughts. Feeling as if I’m wearing my vulnerability in it’s entirety, for everyone to see. As if all my flaws are somehow showing, while I stay hidden in this small little place I know all too well. This is a story on finding my way back.
Some days, I wake up and it is pitch black - as if the sun has been swallowed whole.
I can’t see the colors, I have a hard time finding my breathe.
I feel out of body, disconnected from the skin I’m in and trapped in the callous brick walls of my mind.
It is there I feel stuck, and the walls only feel as if they’re shrinking, closing upon the last perimeters of space around me.
It is when everything goes black and there is no more air to breathe that I begin to listen.
Listen to yourself. Listen wide, listen far. Listen to yourself sing the songs that are within your being. Listen to the sounds that surround you, open you to the outer-world- outside of your mind, within the being and capsule of your own created dream. Listen.
Be with yourself, always.
Whatever it takes.
When it is shallow breathes and there is only inches between the outer space and you, tune out- listen.
When it is streams that carry you far too fast, where you feel loss of control and only focused on the panic surrounding you- listen.
When it is the sun, awakening you from the darkest of all nights, listen.
Be there. Be there for yourself, be there to see the beauty unfolding beneath you, above you- around you.
Some days, it is colder…
And I sing this in a tale I wrote the past few days that I had been consumed by the dark and forging my way out.
To the heart beat.
To the soul.
To the essence that believes and beams creation and all that I have within myself to keep creating.
And so I will..