Blog world, it’s been a while.
As I approach this with a fresh mind, and begin to map out how to fade into the next phase of this creative project, I feel the past year and a half since I last blogged come swoon around me in memories and places.
When I had last sat behind this keyboard to begin the path on my own, or even further back when I began this project in pursuit of self-love, I was in a very different, and yet somehow enticingly similar place in my life. A place I have and will continue to visit many times in my lifetime. The unknown.
The unknown has become a bit of home for me. While it’s discomfort is never a place I love visiting, it’s equal parts exhilarating and refreshing to surrender to what lies before you, when you have no clue what it is. It’s a place I seem to wind up time and time again, revisiting the stone path that lies before me, and questioning where I aim to be.
I’ve got sticky fingertips in my willingness to turn the page, but lately the limitless options that bestow upon me have left me windless about what’s next. Between the hot dry sun of the Riverlands, and the wild and free air of Maui, I find myself ready for the next adventure. The pathways that have been churning within me, are if I continue on the path I’m currently treading, expose myself to new environments, or if I’m ready to find an adventure in the extended back yard of a place I used to call home, a part of myself and my past that I’ve ran from for the past 3 years.
While the times are scatterbrained and I feel as if I’m being pulled in multiple directions, I have found a lot of solace in these moments. I’ve found peace in the unknown, and a subtle understanding of figuring out what I actually want regardless of where I’m at or who surrounded with. When you pull the Earth from under you and ask yourself what you want, the Universe opens up.
Ironically, I’m brought back in time, in order to propel forward. In pulling cards out of my dream box, I pause when I get to the notebook full of ideas, projects and my visions that have weaved within and out of one another throughout my life. I’m pulled towards a page that maps out connectivity and human expression, how the two connect and how I can close the circle on the two core passions of mine while allowing myself the movement to integrate my personal passions into that vortex.
I was brought back here on the idea that I can create a space of free movement, to tend to all forms of creativity that intrigue me, and allow shelves of expression to be filled with pieces of me. A dance that is my own, a place where I can sort out the inner workings of my mind and heart and organize a decoration of projects that flow through me.
The doubt and fear that surrounds the initial foundation of this project skirt around me as I ask myself questions of whether or not it’s worth it, why I begun this to begin with, or if there’s a greater purpose that can be built upon the skeletal remains of this blog. A place I visited where I learned hard lessons, spoke upon whats I was discovering within myself, and what was arising- which so elegantly encased in a decorative box of globetrotting, the driving force behind why I was exposing my writing in the first place. In my initial place of surrender, the first time I had begun this project, was within the box of “Travel Blog.” However, as I allowed myself the space to flow into my inspiration, I feel it cannot be boxed under that label. As I revisit this space, I certainly know that that tier is not the place that I can place myself under. My creative self is screaming for more outlets, and for the freedom to do as I please, however I please. So as I repackage this space, and figure out which direction to take, I’m hoping that it can encompass my vision in a grander sense, and that I may do so without aiming to fit this into a particular box.
Thus, I am here. In this spot beginning to open this box back up and delve back into expanding a small journalistic place, into a a playground of creativity. I’m not sure where it’ll take me, but just like the Unknown that is gracing my life on the personal front, this too, is an unknown territory of what I can expect, and I’m excited for it.
As I ease into the construction process, and unlayer the inner workings of how I aim to proceed, I suppose I should start back from the beginning of this post, where I mentioned the past year and a half swooning into my minds eye. Where the hell have I been? Why did I allow my voice to be stifled? How did I get here? What’s been holding me back? How have I moved forward? Have I found the self-love I sought after so deeply in the early beginnings of my work?
To write out the endeavors I’ve treaded the past year and a half, or even three years, would easily turn into a book- and that’s a whole other project thats hasn’t quite reached it’s fruition. I’m not, ready... or shall I say, it's not ready to be written. However, I can debrief a bit of these questions I’ve asked myself, questions others have asked me, and dive into the matters that have brought me back to this space as I reach back out to the people who found themselves reading my words, and hopefully entice some of you to continue on my journey with me.
I began this blog in October of 2014. Nearly 3 years ago. I spent the first year and half traveling to outside places and new countries, and the past year and a half I’ve been discovering bits of myself on my homeland. Three years ago, I ran as far as I possibly could from what I felt was everything holding me back. Home. My past. My childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. Past relationships, friendships. Destructive behaviors, fears based thought patterns, depressive episodes. I ran, and I ran as fast and far as I possibly could. Where did it bring me? Sometimes, it brought me new lessons, new relationships, new shiny things to make me feel as if I was leaving the past behind and moving into a new part of myself. For the first year and a half, I ran from my past so fast that when I eventually returned home - I hit a wall. You can only run from yourself for so long before she catches up to you.
All of the lessons I learned, all the wisdom I had been shown, felt so far away as I grappled with the far larger lesson at hand. You can travel the world, escape your problems, and yet still, you are still you. Your past is still your past, and it welcomed me in its arms when I returned home. I was tested, as life often has its ways, and began the course of the past year and a half coming home to myself. Facing myself. Seriously looking in the mirror, opening up the wounds of my past so fast at times I could hardly catch my breath. I spent 10 months in Los Angeles, facing a sticky heartachey situation, that taught me a lot of lessons and humility that I’m still coming into. I’ve spent the past 4 months on Maui, graced up by it’s magic and overwhelming space to allow myself freedom to pull myself apart in the wildest ways, and create space to make peace with who I am. I have found that in order to make peace with who we are, and in order to make peace with others, we must make peace with our past. With our darkness, the thing that holds us back. Fear. For me, that fear lives and breeds when my mind rockets out of rationality and I soar into a place of unworthiness. A place that has allowed me to sleep for days and wallow in my own self pity. A place that I know most of us have been, and also have the willpower to overcome. For me, that fear was birthed upon all the things that have ever made me feel abandoned, shamed, or victimized. I’m coming into a place of understanding that I am not a victim, and my past only makes me victim if I allow it to. Slow down...I’m still learning. I have a great sense of gratitude for where I’m at, and I continue to sit in awe at how special life is. I’m learning how to forgive, and that’s a lesson that I’m not sure how long will take, but I have learned, that the only way out, is through.
A friend and I declared this, “the summer of self-love” before I had reached Maui. Right now, I have a dreamed-up little cottage in the jungle, where I’ve created a space to come home to. To write, play guitar, and sing. To make tea, smoothie bowls, and stay up too late drinking coffee. A place to listen to the plants, and make friends with a cat I call Nadi. She comes in the late evenings after work when I’m journaling. Every day is a roaring ride of laughter and challenge, however, I found space within myself- an air of expression, a reliance on my own inner workings, to call Love.
What's next? I have no idea, but where I want to be right now, is writing. Therefore, I am here, and no matter where I end up in the world, writing is where I'll be. I've got some ideas, and I'm excited to bring them to fruition among this platform.
As I move forward with this project, I have decided to start fresh, and begin again. To leave my old work as it was, and to start this project completely on a new page.
If you’d like to read any of my former work, I have linked it into the "former chapters" section.
With as much grace as possible, I hope you’ll stay tuned.