At times I feel so far away from myself. Forgetting the wisdom I’ve learned and getting lost in the confines of my own trapped mind. I feel as if the anxiety I’ve been riddled with could pull me under into the current of the ocean, and breathing seems almost impossible. It’s something I’ve learned to carry beside me, tame, and even try and comfort, in my strongest times. In my weakest, it seems easy, comfortable even, to fall into old patterns and destructive thought patterns. I’ve been visiting this place the past few days, a dark place where I keep all my shame, guilt, and unworthiness. All these wretched feelings showed up on my doorstep and crawled into my mind. I’ve been here before, many times. Feeling suffocated in open air, feeling as if the walls were coming in all around me and ultimately, feeling every bit trapped inside my own thoughts. Feeling as if I’m wearing my vulnerability in it’s entirety, for everyone to see. As if all my flaws are somehow showing, while I stay hidden in this small little place I know all too well. This is a story on finding my way back.
Some days, I wake up and it is pitch black - as if the sun has been swallowed whole.
I can’t see the colors, I have a hard time finding my breathe.
I feel out of body, disconnected from the skin I’m in and trapped in the callous brick walls of my mind.
It is there I feel stuck, and the walls only feel as if they’re shrinking, closing upon the last perimeters of space around me.
It is when everything goes black and there is no more air to breathe that I begin to listen.
Listen to yourself. Listen wide, listen far. Listen to yourself sing the songs that are within your being. Listen to the sounds that surround you, open you to the outer-world- outside of your mind, within the being and capsule of your own created dream. Listen.
Be with yourself, always.
Whatever it takes.
When it is shallow breathes and there is only inches between the outer space and you, tune out- listen.
When it is streams that carry you far too fast, where you feel loss of control and only focused on the panic surrounding you- listen.
When it is the sun, awakening you from the darkest of all nights, listen.
Be there. Be there for yourself, be there to see the beauty unfolding beneath you, above you- around you.
Some days, it is colder…
And I sing this in a tale I wrote the past few days that I had been consumed by the dark and forging my way out.
To the heart beat.
To the soul.
To the essence that believes and beams creation and all that I have within myself to keep creating.
And so I will..
About a month before moving back into this project, I had just relocated to my very own cottage in the Maui jungle- living by myself for the first time in nearly 5 years. A tiny little home that came from my dream world and quickly became a place I found peace in. I came to the patio to write and listen to the rain. I awoke looking into the jungle from my loft and being sung to by the all the awakening morning sounds. I decorated the place in my small amount of belongings I've been carrying, and covered the fridge in art, photographs and post-it note goals that I had made when I was living in Los Angeles.
I finally had this feeling of coming home. Of having a place to call my own. I spent most of the summer doing a lot of deep self work, and it had finally seemed to pay off when I scored a little place full of love and gratitude.
One week after I moved in, I received some bad news. The property I had just recently moved onto was being sold, and all of the tenants would have to leave in the near future. I felt winded. I had worked so hard to make this move and begin to expand my creativity in this little sanctuary, and it felt as if the rug had been ripped under me. Fear swept through my body as I treaded against what was next for me. My mind ran into irrationality mode grasping to find some sort of answer to what I was to do. Was it time to leave Maui? Was it time to go "home?" Where am I supposed to go? I grappled with confusion and anxiety for a few days before I kept coming back to one realization. The question I had kept asking was "WHERE" should I go, where should I be- to be doing the things I want to be doing? In that awareness, I began to ask myself what I wanted. Where I had felt called to, and where my dreams were beyond a certain destination.
For the first time in ages, I sat down and asked "Mia, WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Ideas and inspiration hit me in waves. I wrote down a page of goals and visions and went back to the drawing board. I closed my little journal and slept peacefully.
As I walked by my fridge the following morning, a little pink post-it had fallen onto the floor. I reached down to pick it up and saw the words "work on book project" right before my toes. I firmly pressed it back upon my refrigerator before my morning-haze being made coffee and took my journal outside to write.
I open my journal to find a string of goals I had written the night before. All of them composed of creative writing, photo and music dreams that I have knocking on my gut and telling me to keep seeking.
What did I want? It was all laying right before me. What was I doing to pursue it? Writing about it, ironically.
I grabbed my laptop that morning and reopened the book and photo projects I had begun in Australia. I began mapping out ideas of this platform. I wrote my first blog post in two years. I got to work.
Once I refocused my energy on the things I wanted, my fear seemed to dissipate. When I looked at the matter of where I was supposed to go next, it was no longer full of fear, it was instead replaced with excitement. It no longer mattered where I went, because I was where I wanted to be, I was where I was meant to be, and anything that came after this would be only the next step on my path.
Instead of fear, I was filled with gratitude for the now. Gratitude for being allowed the short amount of time in this tiny faerie cottage, where I've been constantly creating and working on the goals that have sat stagnant on post-it notes for the past year. Gratitude for the progress I've made. Gratitude for everything that is currently ebbing and flowing through my life.
You see, when we release our fear into the ethers, and give way to Life's purpose, the Universe tends to answer our prayers. When we focus our energy into our fears, there is no room for God to speak. We are only confirming that we don't trust what's next for us. Once we move out of fear and into trust, we can come into the places, things and people that are meant for us. Where you invest your time, energy & focus, you will be paid accordingly.
I still have no idea where I'll end up next, but it's not something I need to worry about today. Today, I'm releasing this website into the atmosphere, and allowing my blog to go public again. I'm allowing myself the platform to focus on my goals and bring them to fruition. The first issue of my photo project has been ordered and is in the mail on its way to be proof-read. The second issue is nearly ready as well. Other things are on the horizon that I am working towards and I'm really excited and proud to get started and/or finish them.
Fear only holds us back. What are some things in your life that you've been fearing? Is it a situation that you may be able to re-direct your energy into? Allow yourself to examine your fears and make peace with them. Sometimes they are reminders we may be on the wrong path. Sometimes they are catalysts to launch us into future endeavors. Ask yourself what you want, and how this fear is getting in the way of you having what you want. Finally, and always... give Gratitude for what you currently have in your life. We all have at least one blessing to count. When we appreciate the things we are currently given, it allows us to move into a place of continuous gratitude, and often the eyes to see that we are given an abundant amount of blessings on a daily basis.
With love, gratitude and blessings,
Blog world, it’s been a while.
As I approach this with a fresh mind, and begin to map out how to fade into the next phase of this creative project, I feel the past year and a half since I last blogged come swoon around me in memories and places.
When I had last sat behind this keyboard to begin the path on my own, or even further back when I began this project in pursuit of self-love, I was in a very different, and yet somehow enticingly similar place in my life. A place I have and will continue to visit many times in my lifetime. The unknown.
The unknown has become a bit of home for me. While it’s discomfort is never a place I love visiting, it’s equal parts exhilarating and refreshing to surrender to what lies before you, when you have no clue what it is. It’s a place I seem to wind up time and time again, revisiting the stone path that lies before me, and questioning where I aim to be.
I’ve got sticky fingertips in my willingness to turn the page, but lately the limitless options that bestow upon me have left me windless about what’s next. Between the hot dry sun of the Riverlands, and the wild and free air of Maui, I find myself ready for the next adventure. The pathways that have been churning within me, are if I continue on the path I’m currently treading, expose myself to new environments, or if I’m ready to find an adventure in the extended back yard of a place I used to call home, a part of myself and my past that I’ve ran from for the past 3 years.
While the times are scatterbrained and I feel as if I’m being pulled in multiple directions, I have found a lot of solace in these moments. I’ve found peace in the unknown, and a subtle understanding of figuring out what I actually want regardless of where I’m at or who surrounded with. When you pull the Earth from under you and ask yourself what you want, the Universe opens up.
Ironically, I’m brought back in time, in order to propel forward. In pulling cards out of my dream box, I pause when I get to the notebook full of ideas, projects and my visions that have weaved within and out of one another throughout my life. I’m pulled towards a page that maps out connectivity and human expression, how the two connect and how I can close the circle on the two core passions of mine while allowing myself the movement to integrate my personal passions into that vortex.
I was brought back here on the idea that I can create a space of free movement, to tend to all forms of creativity that intrigue me, and allow shelves of expression to be filled with pieces of me. A dance that is my own, a place where I can sort out the inner workings of my mind and heart and organize a decoration of projects that flow through me.
The doubt and fear that surrounds the initial foundation of this project skirt around me as I ask myself questions of whether or not it’s worth it, why I begun this to begin with, or if there’s a greater purpose that can be built upon the skeletal remains of this blog. A place I visited where I learned hard lessons, spoke upon whats I was discovering within myself, and what was arising- which so elegantly encased in a decorative box of globetrotting, the driving force behind why I was exposing my writing in the first place. In my initial place of surrender, the first time I had begun this project, was within the box of “Travel Blog.” However, as I allowed myself the space to flow into my inspiration, I feel it cannot be boxed under that label. As I revisit this space, I certainly know that that tier is not the place that I can place myself under. My creative self is screaming for more outlets, and for the freedom to do as I please, however I please. So as I repackage this space, and figure out which direction to take, I’m hoping that it can encompass my vision in a grander sense, and that I may do so without aiming to fit this into a particular box.
Thus, I am here. In this spot beginning to open this box back up and delve back into expanding a small journalistic place, into a a playground of creativity. I’m not sure where it’ll take me, but just like the Unknown that is gracing my life on the personal front, this too, is an unknown territory of what I can expect, and I’m excited for it.
As I ease into the construction process, and unlayer the inner workings of how I aim to proceed, I suppose I should start back from the beginning of this post, where I mentioned the past year and a half swooning into my minds eye. Where the hell have I been? Why did I allow my voice to be stifled? How did I get here? What’s been holding me back? How have I moved forward? Have I found the self-love I sought after so deeply in the early beginnings of my work?
To write out the endeavors I’ve treaded the past year and a half, or even three years, would easily turn into a book- and that’s a whole other project thats hasn’t quite reached it’s fruition. I’m not, ready... or shall I say, it's not ready to be written. However, I can debrief a bit of these questions I’ve asked myself, questions others have asked me, and dive into the matters that have brought me back to this space as I reach back out to the people who found themselves reading my words, and hopefully entice some of you to continue on my journey with me.
I began this blog in October of 2014. Nearly 3 years ago. I spent the first year and half traveling to outside places and new countries, and the past year and a half I’ve been discovering bits of myself on my homeland. Three years ago, I ran as far as I possibly could from what I felt was everything holding me back. Home. My past. My childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. Past relationships, friendships. Destructive behaviors, fears based thought patterns, depressive episodes. I ran, and I ran as fast and far as I possibly could. Where did it bring me? Sometimes, it brought me new lessons, new relationships, new shiny things to make me feel as if I was leaving the past behind and moving into a new part of myself. For the first year and a half, I ran from my past so fast that when I eventually returned home - I hit a wall. You can only run from yourself for so long before she catches up to you.
All of the lessons I learned, all the wisdom I had been shown, felt so far away as I grappled with the far larger lesson at hand. You can travel the world, escape your problems, and yet still, you are still you. Your past is still your past, and it welcomed me in its arms when I returned home. I was tested, as life often has its ways, and began the course of the past year and a half coming home to myself. Facing myself. Seriously looking in the mirror, opening up the wounds of my past so fast at times I could hardly catch my breath. I spent 10 months in Los Angeles, facing a sticky heartachey situation, that taught me a lot of lessons and humility that I’m still coming into. I’ve spent the past 4 months on Maui, graced up by it’s magic and overwhelming space to allow myself freedom to pull myself apart in the wildest ways, and create space to make peace with who I am. I have found that in order to make peace with who we are, and in order to make peace with others, we must make peace with our past. With our darkness, the thing that holds us back. Fear. For me, that fear lives and breeds when my mind rockets out of rationality and I soar into a place of unworthiness. A place that has allowed me to sleep for days and wallow in my own self pity. A place that I know most of us have been, and also have the willpower to overcome. For me, that fear was birthed upon all the things that have ever made me feel abandoned, shamed, or victimized. I’m coming into a place of understanding that I am not a victim, and my past only makes me victim if I allow it to. Slow down...I’m still learning. I have a great sense of gratitude for where I’m at, and I continue to sit in awe at how special life is. I’m learning how to forgive, and that’s a lesson that I’m not sure how long will take, but I have learned, that the only way out, is through.
A friend and I declared this, “the summer of self-love” before I had reached Maui. Right now, I have a dreamed-up little cottage in the jungle, where I’ve created a space to come home to. To write, play guitar, and sing. To make tea, smoothie bowls, and stay up too late drinking coffee. A place to listen to the plants, and make friends with a cat I call Nadi. She comes in the late evenings after work when I’m journaling. Every day is a roaring ride of laughter and challenge, however, I found space within myself- an air of expression, a reliance on my own inner workings, to call Love.
What's next? I have no idea, but where I want to be right now, is writing. Therefore, I am here, and no matter where I end up in the world, writing is where I'll be. I've got some ideas, and I'm excited to bring them to fruition among this platform.
As I move forward with this project, I have decided to start fresh, and begin again. To leave my old work as it was, and to start this project completely on a new page.
If you’d like to read any of my former work, I have linked it into the "former chapters" section.
With as much grace as possible, I hope you’ll stay tuned.